[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
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I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭