Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
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I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Just a reminder, folks:
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.