My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
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I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I…do not understand how electricity works.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!