Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.