Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider