Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.