*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
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Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven