Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.