Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The first one, obviously
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions