Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
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Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I’m sure it’s fine.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.