A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
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The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Match dot com, but for socks.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this