Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You Might Also Like
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.