Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
You Might Also Like
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Taliband
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*