Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.