at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I know this now 😂
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.