Okay, I’m still confused…
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*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.