grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
The human personality is made of five key elements
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW