I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
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When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I think we should hear other voices.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.