New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
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i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight