“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
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BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I forgot how to panic. Help
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao