Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
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You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me if I was a dog
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat