5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
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When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
He took my last fry, your honor
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.