Some people were born into their job.
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*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
🏙👨🏼
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too