i’m still crying at this
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I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”