Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no