the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
the Monday after daylight savings
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Kids, do not try this at home!
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.