My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used