The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
This cat wants you to take your pills
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.