United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
wow he looks just like him
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.