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As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong