[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.