COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
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We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?