interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.