I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
not seeing the problem
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train