My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
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Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
one last job
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!