mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*