If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
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Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright