If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
You Might Also Like
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim