The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Fiction has to make sense.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
no one likes gloating
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop