[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
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“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)