SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
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When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
forgive me baja for i have blast
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.