You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Truth
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
beware of dog
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
This meeting could have been a cake
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?