PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours