Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
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[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”