I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
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I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Goodnight 🐶
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
oh u like geography? name every lake
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.