If you are reading this then you are reading this
You Might Also Like
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
No. He’s not coming out to play
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes