I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Sniffing the broccoli
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?