WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
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*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Social Media and Real life
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!