Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
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“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.