Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
You Might Also Like
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf